As a baseline, I attempt to observe myself, my relationships, and my functioning as a way to learn. Bowen Family systems theory encourages observation as a way to slow the registry of anxiety and notice the process in which the anxiety is occurring. Learning the process might provide an opportunity to see different options for functioning.
When I first started to observe reciprocal functioning in myself and my family of origin it came as a real surprise. I saw a tied-together type dynamic, where two members of the family would function in a see-saw manner. One person was nervous and the other person was attempting to manage the nervousness in the other person. I almost couldn’t believe what I was seeing with my own two eyes. This dynamic could be seen playing out in the marriages, between siblings, and in child/parent dynamics. One person was sick and the other person was focused on them. One person was the manager and the other was being managed. Bowen further explains this as “the family is a system in that a change in one part of the system is followed by compensatory change in other parts of the system.”
Seeing a concept of BFST occurring in my family allowed me to have a foundational understanding of the concepts which then allowed me to see where else it may be occurring in my life.
More recently when I decided to write this blog post about reciprocal functioning it was because I was feeling reactive to observing reciprocal functioning. When I feel reactive to something its a cue to me to notice, explore and think on it.
The reactions were occurring when I was feeling a pull to function reciprocally for friends’ birthdays and wanting others to function reciprocally about my birthday. I was seeing myself wrestle with the asks coming my way from friends and at times the way they registered as demands. I was seeing myself critiquing the lack of presence my family had in my birthday celebration and a narrative listing all the ways I show up for them.
In the background of all this, there is commentary on reciprocal functioning showing up in popular culture. I have heard it referenced more and more as a way to determine if a relationship is worth continuing. The advice is often encouraging you to “drop” anyone who isn’t responding and functioning at the same level of functioning as you are.
I think it’s possible that when this type of data comes in you have an opportunity to see something about yourself, your family system, your relationships and societal process.
I have the thought that reciprocal functioning is always occurring to some degree. I believe reciprocal functioning can occur in an instinctual type way with minimal awareness present and existing on a spectrum where at some point, awareness is present. If the awareness is present and I sense myself wanting something reciprocal, might I use it as a tool for myself? Might I see that I am registering anxiety and attempting to direct it? Might I see that I’ve gone beyond my own capacity and want someone to make up for that? Might I see that I’ve overfunctioned and to make up for that I want someone to do something for me? When I am feeling pulled to be reciprocal might I reflect on any underfunctioning present in me? Might I reflect on what is happening when I feel the pull to show up differently than I am? Might I take a look around for the anxiety? Might I think about who, what, when, where and how?
Now as I think back to those original observations of the family, the surprise and seeing reciprocal functioning I think what it revealed to me was that level of self could be observed. I could observe, notice, and learn about myself allowing for a deeper understanding. And if I could observe all this maybe just maybe I could see additional options for myself.
Heather Brown, LMFT
WPFC Board Member
You’ll hear more about the topic of “reciprocal functioning” at WPFC’s fall conference: Love and Conflict in Families and Groups: How Relationship Forces Shape Human Behavior. Register today!
It’s interesting to me how much an absence, in this case, a missing “happy birthday,” can reveal about expectations and roles. It raises the question: what would it look like to make a move that didn’t guarantee reciprocity?
There’s a trap I see sometimes: when non-reactivity gets idealized as the endpoint. It can show up as not naming tensions, not acknowledging fractures, not offering clarity in real time…just watching.
I think of this as the difference between observation as a living function and observation as a shutdown of relational engagement. Too often, observation gets equated with non-participation, and calm with absence of contact.
For me, observation isn’t an excuse to disappear from the emotional field, it’s the training ground for entering it differently. The aim isn’t stillness for stillness’s sake. There’s an anxious stillness that delays speech to avoid discomfort, and there’s a differentiated stillness that prepares a person to speak with clarity.
Great blog post Heather! got me thinking…